The Beat Goes on...(skip to the bottom if you only want the numbers!)

I cannot think of my weight gain as I failed losing weight.  Let me tell you how it breaks down.  At the end of July I was 209 solidly and feeling great when my sister called with the news that she had been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.  At the time of the diagnosis they gave her just weeks because her liver was not strong enough for Chemo.  I am not going to spend any time in this blog about my feelings.  It is like news stories where they ask the dumbest questions.  You readers can imagine how I felt. This article is about what I did and didn't do that led to where I am each time I post an update.  I flew to Chicago and spend as much time as I could in six weeks with my sister. This often meant hotels, restaurant food, and oh yes, I had decided when your 44 year old sister is diagnosed with cancer, you do drink alcohol.  Then, after six weeks, when my sister died, I came home and weighed myself.  Admittedly, I gave very little of a shit about what I weighed but it was a habit.  I was only 210!  Then it happened.  I decided I could keep doing what I had been doing.  Alcohol, some exercise but very little, and food to ease the pain of what had happened and was happening inside my heart.

Luckily there was a little piece of my brain that kept tugging at me saying that I had to be as healthy as possible to deal with any future health issues I may have.  In October I ran a half marathon at 219!  It was amazing.  I ran it mostly for my sister.  She was with me the whole time. Running became about prayer for me.  After that, I did not train for anything, but just ran here and there and sporadically went to spin class.  Coupled with my heavier eating and drinking it was not enough to maintain my weight or to lose any.  By Thanksgiving when I ran a 5k, I was up to 224 and although, I felt healthy for running, the rest of my life was not about health.  December (which had always been my favorite month) felt too hard.  I tried to recommit, but failed because I wanted the Baileys, I wanted the cheese and crackers, I wanted to stay up late and sleep til early afternoon.  I wanted to and I did.  But, luckily, in the back of my head I knew what it would take to lose the weight again.  I made the plan that the new year would start the journey again.  I gave myself credit that I stayed aware at all times and that I didn't gain it all back.  I stayed 6 pounds away. 

It is now January 12.  I have one more run to finish my second week of training for a 10k.  In these 12 days I have had two black and tans and that is it for alcohol.  My meals consist mostly of fruit and veggies and a protein to keep me full.  I drink water like its going out of style.  And...although I am still dealing with a horribly painful loss, I feel healthier both mentally and physically. 

Now for those who want the facts. In 12 days I am down 7 pounds.  Just this morning I met with the next belt loop on my belt.  I don't believe in any diets any more that don't say move more  (this means sweat in my opinion) and eat less and eat mostly natural. 

Probably the most important thing since my sister died is that I didn't beat myself up for what I did and what I gained, instead I always kept in my head what it took to get to 209 before and that I would have to repeat those habits when I was ready. 

Be kind to yourself. Be Strong.

All I Do is Laugh....

Just read that last post.  What a joke.  I didn't recommit.  I thought about recommitting.  I blogged about it because maybe that would help me recommit.  I am currently (as of this morning) 232.  6 pounds away from where I started in March.  Those six pounds mean everything to me right now.  They mean I did NOT gain it all back.

I went out for my first run of the New Year about an hour ago.  The sun was shining and my sister was running right next to me the whole time. Don't worry, I am not crazy.  I know she is not living the same way anymore, but I do believe her spirit is with me, or at the very least, that I have an idea of what she would talk to me about if she were on that run with me.

I did a lot of thinking about my dad who went up and down with his weight  (mostly up).  How he would make graphs and then give up on the graph and start a new graph and give up on the graph.  I remember him waking up and committing to not eating and then having a large ice cream cone at 4 o'clock because he was starving.  I remember knowing then that wasn't the right way to lose weight.  So, on today's run I had to wonder why when I had found what works between March 11th and Thanksgiving, I couldn't just get back on it. 

This is what I came up with.  I ran the half marathon in October.  And then there was nothing..nothing to train for.  I ran that half marathon at 219.  I didn't care what I weighed.  It was the best run of my life.  It was incredible.  I miss it. I want to relive it!!!  I want to be less heavy for multiple reasons, but none of them are motivating enough to get me there.  The only motivation I have is pushing myself mentally and physically.  So, I am currently training for a 10k on March 24th.  Let's see where this takes me between now and then.

Remember at this start of a new year to be kind and gentle with yourself.  You are strong enough.  You truly are.

Be Strong.