The Beat Goes on...(skip to the bottom if you only want the numbers!)

I cannot think of my weight gain as I failed losing weight.  Let me tell you how it breaks down.  At the end of July I was 209 solidly and feeling great when my sister called with the news that she had been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.  At the time of the diagnosis they gave her just weeks because her liver was not strong enough for Chemo.  I am not going to spend any time in this blog about my feelings.  It is like news stories where they ask the dumbest questions.  You readers can imagine how I felt. This article is about what I did and didn't do that led to where I am each time I post an update.  I flew to Chicago and spend as much time as I could in six weeks with my sister. This often meant hotels, restaurant food, and oh yes, I had decided when your 44 year old sister is diagnosed with cancer, you do drink alcohol.  Then, after six weeks, when my sister died, I came home and weighed myself.  Admittedly, I gave very little of a shit about what I weighed but it was a habit.  I was only 210!  Then it happened.  I decided I could keep doing what I had been doing.  Alcohol, some exercise but very little, and food to ease the pain of what had happened and was happening inside my heart.

Luckily there was a little piece of my brain that kept tugging at me saying that I had to be as healthy as possible to deal with any future health issues I may have.  In October I ran a half marathon at 219!  It was amazing.  I ran it mostly for my sister.  She was with me the whole time. Running became about prayer for me.  After that, I did not train for anything, but just ran here and there and sporadically went to spin class.  Coupled with my heavier eating and drinking it was not enough to maintain my weight or to lose any.  By Thanksgiving when I ran a 5k, I was up to 224 and although, I felt healthy for running, the rest of my life was not about health.  December (which had always been my favorite month) felt too hard.  I tried to recommit, but failed because I wanted the Baileys, I wanted the cheese and crackers, I wanted to stay up late and sleep til early afternoon.  I wanted to and I did.  But, luckily, in the back of my head I knew what it would take to lose the weight again.  I made the plan that the new year would start the journey again.  I gave myself credit that I stayed aware at all times and that I didn't gain it all back.  I stayed 6 pounds away. 

It is now January 12.  I have one more run to finish my second week of training for a 10k.  In these 12 days I have had two black and tans and that is it for alcohol.  My meals consist mostly of fruit and veggies and a protein to keep me full.  I drink water like its going out of style.  And...although I am still dealing with a horribly painful loss, I feel healthier both mentally and physically. 

Now for those who want the facts. In 12 days I am down 7 pounds.  Just this morning I met with the next belt loop on my belt.  I don't believe in any diets any more that don't say move more  (this means sweat in my opinion) and eat less and eat mostly natural. 

Probably the most important thing since my sister died is that I didn't beat myself up for what I did and what I gained, instead I always kept in my head what it took to get to 209 before and that I would have to repeat those habits when I was ready. 

Be kind to yourself. Be Strong.

All I Do is Laugh....

Just read that last post.  What a joke.  I didn't recommit.  I thought about recommitting.  I blogged about it because maybe that would help me recommit.  I am currently (as of this morning) 232.  6 pounds away from where I started in March.  Those six pounds mean everything to me right now.  They mean I did NOT gain it all back.

I went out for my first run of the New Year about an hour ago.  The sun was shining and my sister was running right next to me the whole time. Don't worry, I am not crazy.  I know she is not living the same way anymore, but I do believe her spirit is with me, or at the very least, that I have an idea of what she would talk to me about if she were on that run with me.

I did a lot of thinking about my dad who went up and down with his weight  (mostly up).  How he would make graphs and then give up on the graph and start a new graph and give up on the graph.  I remember him waking up and committing to not eating and then having a large ice cream cone at 4 o'clock because he was starving.  I remember knowing then that wasn't the right way to lose weight.  So, on today's run I had to wonder why when I had found what works between March 11th and Thanksgiving, I couldn't just get back on it. 

This is what I came up with.  I ran the half marathon in October.  And then there was nothing..nothing to train for.  I ran that half marathon at 219.  I didn't care what I weighed.  It was the best run of my life.  It was incredible.  I miss it. I want to relive it!!!  I want to be less heavy for multiple reasons, but none of them are motivating enough to get me there.  The only motivation I have is pushing myself mentally and physically.  So, I am currently training for a 10k on March 24th.  Let's see where this takes me between now and then.

Remember at this start of a new year to be kind and gentle with yourself.  You are strong enough.  You truly are.

Be Strong.

Recommit

So it is just six days from my last post.  I am up 6 pounds from that post.  What happened?  So easy.  I made a plan that has proven to work for me and I walked away from the plan.  I did my spin classes. I did my running.  I decided there were days I wanted alcohol.  NASCAR championship?  The day before Thanksgiving?  Thanksgiving Day? 

I blog this because I want everyone who gains weight like me to recognize that we are making choices everyday.  My commitment to the health and the weight loss was clearly not quite strong enough.  It was the holidays and I have lots of excuses.  That is fine.  Today, I have to mentally readjust.  I cannot say in one week I will lose the six pounds.  I cannot plan to be under 200 lbs by the new year.  These are self defeaters before I begin. 

So, today I recommit.  (please know that I believe you can recommit every half hour if you need to)  This time, there is NO ALCOHOL as was supposed to be the plan all along.  I am committing to that until Christmas Eve and I will readjust or look at my choices for the holidays.  I love a glass of champagne with my family.  I am committing to 2 days of spin each week and at least 3 runs.  Those are easy commitments as I love both things.  I am committing to me.  I am committing to my body. 

I wonder how many people trying to commit to themselves are beating themselves up after the holiday. Stop the beatings!  Recommit.  We've Got this.  Be Strong!!!!!!

Praising our bodies

Sometimes when you are trying to reach a physically (and thereby mentally) healthier you, you can spend too long looking at the scale.  I am down 3 pounds since last I posted.   Yay, and yet...being down 3 pounds does not accurately represent all that my body has done for me since my last post.

This body got me to work without fail.  This body brought me to spin class and helped me spin my hardest and sleep the sleep of the happy after a good work out.  This body ran me 3.8 miles on Saturday and pushed me 3.1 miles on Sunday for my fastest 3.1 mile time of 38:42.

This body held me up when I cried, and put me to sleep when I didn't want to think anymore.  This body is amazing.  I do not have the kind of job where I am judged on how I look.  (Although, surely there are always people judging how we look.)  I am not sure why I only praise my own body when the scale says some magical number.


This body does amazing things for me everyday and I won't be able to take it with me when I go...and so, I choose to praise this body every single day.  No matter what the scale says. 

Notice what your body does for you today.


Be Strong!

Be Strong- but not always

In July I went on hiatus from this blog because my 44 year old sister was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.  I was broken hearted and determined to be there for her as much as possible.  On September 10, 2012 my sister died.  I am still broken hearted....and yet...I am not broken.  

With my sister's diagnosis came a lot of anxiety for me.  This is not the place nor is it the time  (not ready to go there yet) for me to share all of that with you.  However, since the magical date I blogged about -March 11, 2012- I had gone down 30 lbs. and now, I am exactly half way between that and my starting weight.  Half way feels magical, too.  It is the moment I say to myself,  "Did I really change or am I the same person who won't believe how fat I am until my belly sits on my knees?"  If you remember previous posts you know I am not afraid to call out my weight of 223 lbs because I carry that weight into the world everyday.  I carry this friggin amazing body into the world everyday!!!  It is a body that has not failed me yet.  How honored and blessed that I am.  Perhaps now is a good time to mention that exactly one day after weighing in at 219, I ran a half marathon in 3 hours and 9 minutes!  They didn't ask my weight. They didn't care my weight. If I could run I was in!!!  And I ran!!!

So here I am today 15 pounds heavier than I was in the last post in July.  And yet, I am wiser, stronger, more gentle and more loving.  Win-Win.  I am ready to get back to the healthier version of me.  So,  what made me gain the 15 pounds?  Easy.  I started drinking alcohol again and I stopped exercising faithfully.  I exercised here and there.   2 things.  That is it.  Nothing more.  There are solid reasons for both those things happening. I am not here to make excuses.  I am not here to ease any guilt because I don't have any related to those two choices.  I am not even here to say that I slipped.  I didn't.  Life happened as it does.  It came at me hard and I made different choices than I had been making.  Today, I look at those choices and say...."yeah, they worked for right then but those aren't choice I want to hang onto long-term." 

And so I have stopped the alcohol for now.  I have started the spinning and the running again.  My goal is 3 miles 2 x a week and 5 miles once a week.  I will probably have to do a lot of that on the treadmill and although I don't love that idea, the idea of making the gym work for me is great.  Spinning will be 2 x a week.  I know I will have to fight the not wanting to even harder with the days getting darker much earlier.  Winter is a time where I have to watch myself like a hawk or I will fall into a place where I want to wear sweats, read a book, and drink hot stuff as soon as I get home! 

The good news is that I like the healthier me.  I like that I don't shy away from things that are hard.  I had never pushed my body beyond comfort zone and it is such a feeling of accomplishment to do that!  I keep thinking about and loving the  idea that the more weight I take off of this body the faster I will run without having to do ANYTHING else. 

Life will keep happening to us. Sometimes it will be gentle, but often it will hit hard!!!  It is okay if you get the wind knocked out of you.  Take time to catch your breath. When you are ready jump up and fight back!  Be Strong!  Be Gentle with you and those you meet along the way!

Be Strong

I will be taking a hiatus from this blog.  Let me leave you with this thought.  Try to get healthier if you are overweight, but don't obsess about it...because obsessing takes you away from the things that are really important in life.   Don't look at the scale today.  Get some kind of fun exercise and go love up your family!  Make some good memories that will carry you through storms.  Be Strong and I will work on being the same. 

It is not all physical

On Thursday I headed for the ocean.  When I got to the cottage I looked for running routes and for me the roads were too narrow,  there were not side walks for whole roads and I did not see that I would enjoy running here.  So I didn't.  In the scheme of things that is two training runs I missed.  I felt guilty...for about a minute and then I made a decision and I let it go. 

Look, having a healthy body is important.  But, being healthy mentally and not beating yourself up all the time, that is just as important.  I have read a lot of weight loss blogs in the last few weeks.  I get that they are journals of people's weight loss journey but I worry that some people are so obsessed that they forget to live.  I don't want this blog to be like that.  I write about running and losing weight in the hopes that it helps someone else to be healthier, but this is about 10 percent (maybe in training 15 percent) of my life. 

So, what do you do when you are not focused on becoming physically healthier?  You work on making your spirit healthier.  Write a letter to someone you love, make a phone call to an old friend, patch up a rift with someone you care about.  Think about people. Pray for or with people.  Laugh with your siblings.  Call your mom and dad. 

What do you need to do to make your spirit healthier?  Focus on that  today and see what happens.  Good Luck and BE STRONG.